How do I get known for something when no one wants to publish me?

I'm currently in the soul-destroying process of trying to get some humor pieces I've composed published, either on-line or in print.  Unfortunately, a lot of my writing experience and contacts come from the TV/Film space, and my relationships to editors are extremely limited.  In an effort to further my cause, I'm attaching a comedy piece I wrote. It seems like something you might find amusing.   

Thank you so very much in advance for taking a look.  I am humbly (and delusionally?) hoping that with your experience, you might have some suggestions on places where I could submit it. 

Humor writing is not my area of expertise, but I can tell you that the two places I go to read it are McSweeney's and The Toast [UPDATE: R.I.P.]. The Toast is pretty open about their submission policies-- so you should definitely try them. Not sure about McSweeneys, but I would assume they also have a submissions email. Sometimes when I want to pitch a place I'm not connected to, I also just do things like google "humor editor mcsweeneys" and try to find a direct contact.

I also think that the best way to get known for doing something is to keep doing it. If editors turn it down, I'd self-publish on your own site or on Medium or something. And keep publishing consistently. I made pie charts for years, one per week, before anyone paid me to make them or associated me with them. The trick is not to get one piece published in a big place. If you really want to get into humor writing, the trick (which is not really at trick at all) is to keep doing it consistently and trust your voice.